Anything which has a beginning also has an end. This is an universal law. Creation culminates to destruction and destruction paves way for new creation. The trees shed their leaves in winter only to get the fresh green young leaves in the following spring. A generation dies, passing the baton to fresh young legs. The year that begins on 1st January, ends on 31st December.
This year is almost drawing to an end. Like all previous years, this year has its own share of ups and downs, good and bad things. People celebrate the new year, but I feel more sad of the year that is leaving us.
I don't know whether it is the sadist in me. Its like I had a guest in my house for a year...and today its time for her to leave. She had been with me through thick and thin - my every single moment - 365 days,31536000 seconds - of joy and sorrow! Even if nobody else was around, she was. She knows the reason for every drop of my tear, she knows when I wept silently, she knows when I needed the hug, but could not find anybody around, she knows when I was very elated, but didn't want to share that with anybody, lest the fragrance be lost in the crowd. She was with me through all my emotions. In this one year she has known me like no one else has. Today, she is leaving me forever. Today is 31st Dec. When people are celebrating and partying on the occasion of the arrival of the new guest, I feel sad to part away with my old friend. I look back at the year that has just passed by, whose last rays of the sun has just faded away. Another year in my life. Sadly, I can only think of the bitter moments. And perhaps that has something to do with the setting sun...it always reminds me of the bitter moments and bitter days. The sun, which has set for the last time in 2011 a few hours back. Now everybody is waiting with abated breath for the arrival of the new year. But to me, there is apprehension. I don't know what the New Year has in store for me -- good, bad, ugly. I don't know how the new guest will treat me. When I was a small boy for days I followed the same routine - wake up at 7:00AM, reach school by 8:30, come back at 3:30, play cricket or badminton, then study, then dinner with grandparents, then good night. This was the routine for years, occasionally interrupted by examination, vacation...but they also came at a periodic interval. Life was set and it seemed such routine would last till eternity. That life might have been monotonous, but to some extent certain. But not now, anymore. Now, in a year so many things can change,people can change,relationships can change,dreams can change; life can change.And not all for the better.
And some things don't change. Some things universal facts about hunger, poverty, torture....For some 31st December is just another day in their life. For them everyday is a struggle for existence. Farmers committing suicides, people dying because of cold, children dying of hunger....all these thoughts dampen my spirit of arrival of new year. The loner in me refuses to mingle with the celebration outside. I look out of the window. The dazzling fireworks does not thrill me. The cheer and joy of the guys on bike on the street seems meaningless to me. Will things really change? Can a resolution change one's life? Or is it just another day and we humans have tried to add colour and flavour and found a mean to celebrate an occassion when most parts of the world are shivering in cold and there are people dying in cold?
I take new year as an excuse to remind my friends, even if that is once a year, that I did not forget them. I take new year as an excuse to meet up with old friends and try to get out of my shell. I do not expect anything new from the new year. My lonely shadow will be there with me all the years; my deep-embedded pain will not wither; my tears will not dry. There may be something good for me in the coming days; there may be something not-so-good in the coming days. But they may just be isolate incidents that fall on that year; they have nothing to do with the year, as such.
My thoughts were interrupted by the beep from my phone. From 11:30 itself friends got busy sending the new year wishes. I was ignoring them. Didnt feel the impetus to sms back. But then a phone call from another friend compelled me to pick it up. The loner in me was holding me back. But I had to wear the social mask and respond to the call.
The tug-of-war between the loner inside and the social animal in me will continue for years.
